To the woman who destroyed a Brazilian Apartment single-handedly

(The lines are all taken from messages people have written me over the past five months)

Cassandra,

please don't feel stalked

you were memorable for your Portuguese

I've got a shaved head

I looked over my shoulder and recognized you as that

interesting lady from craigslist

want to grab a scoop of Persian ice cream?

 

thank’s for that awesome peeing story

I'm hoping I can cajole you to meet me

your Swahili is very good

funny thing is that we know one another

 

your post is so interesting and artistic

but, what’s up with the anger?

are you a new lesbian, hun?

don't be in a big hurry

to slap a label on your ass

& define yourself

the most beautiful miracle is to let life happen

 

care to have a verbal poetic challenge?

 

Cassie

I thought you forgot about me

you are so sweet

I just think you are an incredible young woman

but stay out of the handicapped stalls

 

I am a sucker for red heads

let me cook you some plátanos

rice y gandules con chuletas

calamares

beans with fried chicken

beef stew with peppers, onions, corn, peas, and carrots

over white rice

 

hi Ashura

hii ni picha yangu

I am a vegan empath and you flatter me

what got you interested in African studies?

Interested in meeting up in Mauritius?

Mozambique?

that picture of you with a black top and green bead necklace

speaks of radiant energy and beauty

are you as much of a dreamer as I think you are?

stars in the eyes?

 

eu li seu post no Craiglist e adorei!

voce é uma garota inteligentíssima!

 

Te amo tanto com mais tempo

 

ENGLISH - WE SPEAK ENGLISH IN THIS COUNTRY, FOOL!

 

do you know Prof. **** *******? 

I had an affair with her…

you speak her language

 

Madame

I noticed that some women's standard's

are higher than the Chrysler building

the last time we spoke

I think I was in a strange place spiritually

thus I could not call you because

I WOULD HAVE WANTED TO MEET

seduce you into having wild sex

because I had been so lonely

but I am much better

 

you made my sides split

when you said

that the only sport you were into

was Tonsil hockey

maybe we could play together sometime?

 

Love

I do enjoy a good pee tale

that was the best shit I ever read

you sound fascinating

really romantic and sensitive

would u like to try a pregnant girl?

BF will not be there

 

you amaze me

something  gorgeous about those hair & eyes

we have even worked together

never would I've imagined that you were into chicks

I have never dated a vampire

but I have been in several polygamous relationships

with woman and man

is that you're natural hair color on that picture?

are you in the mood for some fun?

 

I'm aware you ladies

regardless of your ages

will NEVER have to wake up one "Grey-haired" morning

so long as Beauty Shops survive the coming financial crisis

 

I'm glad that you had a ball in Ghana

I am in love with India

you look like a kind of person

that my friends from Spain, Argentina, USA, Mexico, Venezuela, etc...

will like to meet

 

I think you're terrific

one of the most authentic

people I have seen on here

spend a cool night with me

medical herbs

and some mind-altering drinks

u ever did 3sum?

 

by the way...

as per our first meeting,

Oscar Wilde said,

"Too much rouge and not enough

clothes are a sign of desperation in a woman."

I disagree!

I like that look!

though, I anticipate we will both be wearing jeans

at our first meet and greet

 

You are a very interesting gal

you move and you shake

I’ve been looking for you

I also boycott Wal-Mart

 

if I were your type I'd be all over you

Unfortunately I'm not

I'm too old for you babe (39)

 

chronological age is a strange creepy thing

 

Soy de Guatemala

¿quién eres? 

 

I am an Egypt Muslim woman

In the Qu’ran it says that men should not sleep with other men

It says nothing of other women

Though I don't drink

I watch others imbibe

 

Darling

neglecting the illumination was probably not the best of ideas...

that's one of the things that keep the roaches at bay, you know ;)

 

you broke me into a million tiny pieces

with your poem

a friend of mine wrote a book called "Believing Cassandra"

 

teach me everything you know

expectations and anticipations

are the surest way to disappointment

the best way to nurture the spirit

is to go to what may inspire you

 

you seem like a hoot

two weeks in West Africa

sound like a better use of spring break

than shouting poetry on a street corner

 

I don’t know anyone who has been attacked

by a lion or struck by lightning

so let’s get together

 

words are beautiful but

flawed representations of a person's reality and

therein lies the kernel of objectification

you're not offended

are you?

 

 

well I have to say you are adorable

I'm free

shall we meet somewhere near you?

The world is a scary place

thanks for your verbal dexterity

and creative urinary responses

 

I wish I didn't have to drive back so we could get a little drunk together…

 

spend a few days away from all the bullshit

secluded only with what inspires you

go to the depth and stay away for the action

stay away from the action

 

It is a porte-manteau

namorado + marido

yes a Carnaval

but only a representation of a carnaval

a boyfriend you live with

 

I just read your ad

am amazed at how much

you chose to share

you seem remarkably down-to-earth

I hope I'm right in assuming

that nobody with a plan to send unsuspecting guys

to a bogus dating website would work so hard

 

I'm sorry I've been such a stranger

I promise not to be a strange for too long

 

Love

"As a mestiza I have no country

my homeland cast me out

yet all countries are mine

because I am every woman's sister or potential lover" Anzaldua

 

you have explored the world more than I have

am very much impressed towards you

my apologies that this is in English

I don’t understand you

but cute is cute in any country

I’d like to be your friend

do you like sailing?

 

I saw you at the intersection of Westwood and Santa Monica

and felt like saying "Tudo bom" to listen if "tudo bem" would be the response

 If that were the case I would have said

"¿Te gustaría un cafecito?"

I didn't say anything

because at such a random moment

it may have seemed uncanny

you convey an air of experience

open-mindedness

tolerance

and wisdom

 

meet me somewhere

and screw the hell out of me

or just be my friend

I work in Culver City

so the screw me

be my friend part

is quite local indeed

 

Call me at 213.621.2761

 

umenyamaza kweli!

natumaini mambo yote yako sawa!

 

can't believe you haven't been snatched up yet?

could it be that you are a bit selective?

are you lesbian?

 

I am in Iraq and looking for a girl to sleep with my man

you're a great storyteller

conjured up very vivid imagery

bravo

unfortunately we had to meet this way

 

you are beautiful inside and out

I wish I were closer to you

but I am all the way in Oklahoma

so I wish u the best of luck

I've never had a girlfriend either

 

hi do you need any more Spanish lessons?

I can teach you

I really like you

 

traveler,

that was a poignant story

you wrote about your friend

if you have no plans for tonight

drive to Anaheim and meet

some fun and cute girls from Brazil

 

I didn't mean that we'd meet at Peet's

with any intentions to go onto a make-out session

but tell me

Cassandra

what are you looking for?

would you like a playmate? 

soul mate? 

friend? 

lover?

 

you don't have to reply back,

I just want you to know I think you're adorable.

your story is fascinating

I doubt seriously 

anything romantic could happen between us

but I am certain that we could enjoy each other’s company

on occasion

so, if you need a ride

or something

let me know

 

hello there gorgeous

I just love fair skin with red hair

I would love to play

let's have a contest

you say it Portuguese and I translate it to Italian

 

you're a hot woman.

I’d do ya in a heartbeat...

I mean...ahem(clearing throat)...

I’d enjoy having a drink with you and discussing photography

 

you deserve a prince charming

on a white horse

or whatever to show up and yadda yadda yadda

but until that guy shows up

why not practice on my old ass?

 

I have a teen daughter

I respect a woman who speaks her mind

I’m a man

is this a problem for you?

 

hello Stranger!

when do I get to meet you?

Between the two of us

we could probably publish a book...

some kind of "Dummies" guide for

"economically challenged" apartment living?

 

awesome Pamplona story

but a better ending would've been

if one of those bulls had rammed into the Port-a-potty

sending you and everything else flying skyward in a heap

 

Thank God there are people like you

you seem to be really well rounded

me

I’m still a little rough around the edges